New Year's Eve

I'm rethinking this holiday. There's a lot of pressure that is associated with it, but really all you are supposed to do is be around people you like, countdown at midnight and drink champagne. That's not asking a lot.
Here's where I think the holiday went wrong.
People placed importance on a midnight kiss, I believe it started with some myth that whomever you kissed at midnight you would be with for a year or whoever you kiss is the one you're supposed to be with. I certainly hope I don't need to go into how that is in fact a myth. And because of this myth, many unnecessary hookups have taken place.
While we're at it the kissing thing pretty much turns it into a couple's holiday and they already have one.
Then there's pressure on what to do, because you're supposed to live it up or have some big blow out or get completely wasted. But that's not really needed either, sure we all have that time once a year where we need to be taken care of because we got too drunk, but if every one did that on one night - no one would be taken care of, we'd all be too drunk.
So, for myself, I'm throwing those out. No kiss, no forced hookup, no ugly scenes of drunkiness. My only requirements from here on out are to be around people I like and to have some of that tasty champagne.
Happy New Year!

John Paul Barta

There are things I had to say about Christmas across America and how weird people can be in gas stations. I had things to say about being home in Texas for Christmas and being in the Valley with my family.
But when I got home from the Valley 2 days ago I got bad news that erased those silly things I had to say and frankly my brain has been consumed with this news for the past 2 days.

A high school classmate of mine died in Iraq on Christmas Eve. He was one of the boys, big man on campus, star of football and baseball, a name you know if you're from the Bluff. People keep saying that the war is going on too long, Rosie O'Donnell tells me all the time - that it in fact should of never happened; I'm not the President and I'm not in congress but as a member of the Class of 2000 who won't get to see John Paul at our upcoming reunion - I've had enough of it.

I'm sure there are people out there who can throw their, "he signed up for it" "what about the other people who have died" "now you care that it's someone you know." And you can keep them.

John Paul was an idol at my school, one of those people who walked down the hall like they were constantly in a music video. In school he was sports hero and a loyal friend, now he's an American hero. I think it's pretty amazing that I may not know John Paul the best, but all I do know is that he was a hero.

world wide web

Have you ever just gotten sucked into the internet? Well, last night I did. I mean searches that lead into searches, suddenly you try and remember how you got to that place and you have no idea and you look up and two hours have passed.
I can't explain how I got to this place, but I'm very glad I did. It's called copykat.com and it gave me the recipes I've always dreamt of!
Chili's salsa
Cracker Barrel Hashbrown Casserole
Cheddar's Spinach dip

. . if I had a holiday party to go to . . well I'd bring some tasty delights!

To do lists and boxes

Packing and purging. The time has finally come.
Goodbye Chicago
Hello Waterfront

Wicked

I saw Wicked today in the third row center. I can barely talk about it yet because it was overwhelmingly amazing. It was the best show of it's calibur that I've ever seen. I am so grateful that I got to see it, so grateful.

He

He is Dark Prince. He's giving me that whole heart hurt, stomach ache, wanna cry I have crush so bad. Yes I have a crush. Maybe that seems trivial but to me it's big because it's the first since last summer, and a lot's changed since then.
I'm not a "there's only a week left, what's the point," kind of person. I'm a "the point is there's only a week left" person.
DP, last night I saw in your eyes . . well I'm not going to try to explain it but, I know it's there.

When a hangover is worth it . .

. . is when everyone you love and want to see together in one room, happens! Last night was super fun, I had a very weird drunk going on but the most important thing is that I danced. Last night was another great night at the California Clipper with the great True Historians playing. (Jessica Jane and her beau's band.) Elvis was played and of course danced to. I was very happy to have EG on this side of town to join in the festivities, he's always fantastic to have. It was just a great time, I know this because as I was shaking my booty, I was also swirling my well-curled hair around - it means good times.

And to boot I got to nurse my hangover with DD in Heavenston today where we enjoyed a BBQ burger and "The Holiday." Laugh if you will, but it was really really good. I cried, I laughed, I wanted to fall in love in an English cottage - all that good stuff.

One more cross country trip, for now at least.

My girl Lulu on GH is on a road trip, like I will soon be on, she's driving through Tennessee with Jason - the one with the leather jacket. All she wants to do is make a quick stop by Graceland, trust me I know the impulse. It's hard for her to be in Tennessee and not visit the place where Elvis lived - and in less than two weeks it's going to be very hard for me. I'm there with you Lulu, how can you be so close to Graceland and not go?

Graceland is to me what Disney World is to some people, or at least one person in particular I know. There are some places that calm yet excite some people's souls at the same time. And when you have a chance to see that place, it's hard not to stop by. But I know I'll see it again, I will continue to bring people there to show them the wonder of Graceland.

Another little story, courtesy of The View

A five year old boy heard burglars in his house where his mom and sister were sleeping. He went into his closet and put on his red power rangers suit, ran out of his room screaming and doing karate chops - scared the shit out of the burglars, one who had a gun, and they ran out of the house with nothing in hand. Awesome. Kids are awesome.

A little Starbucks story.

I met a girl tonight that works with my roommate. So you can get a visual, she is a cross between Kristin Johnson (of 3rd Rock) and Katherine Heigl (of Grey's Anatomy.) My roommate and this fantastic gal, both work at Starbucks. This is her story, that I loved:

One morning she's doing the opening shift at a downtown Starbucks, which opens at 5am for those who don't know. 5:01am - A man walks up to the counter, as he gets closer and says, "Hello," she realizes it's Alton Brown of Food Network fame - whom she loves and has a bit of a crush on. She says, "Hello, Alton." He orders, "I'll have a tall coffee in a venti cup and a tall non-fat milk." Which to me, of course he has a perfect and specific order. He comes in for the next three mornings at 5:01am and orders the same thing. He then filled out a comment card on my roommates friend about how great his experience was with her.
Loved it.

It feels like one step forward, two steps back

I've said the wise words of Earhart before, and I'll say them again

if you're not doing anything wrong, then don't act like it.

Some might think that not saying anything, or doing things secretly, or gliding over it and acting like nothing happened works, but actually those actions only point out the wrongful doings.

Whatever. I'm quickly going to a place where I can take huge steps forward in my life instead of this constant roller coaster I've been in recently.

Well it seems the current BFA class got those infamous headshots in and of course they are all on display at the ever popular myspace. I just thought I'd add my new headshot to the mix.

Well, yesterday was really my day.

Yesterday was my birthday. I'm 25. I'm 25. I am twenty five.

The wonderful people at my work got me the mint chocolate chip cake I had been eyeing, which was very touching to me. They made those eight hours of work very special.

EG took me out to a steak dinner! That's right, we went big time. It was oh so tasty and oh so wonderful to have my birthday lunch with that amazing man.

For the rest of the evening I got a surprise on the bus, The Little Mermaid, Christina Aguilera, my favorite thing from Thailand and I got to watch my favorite show with my two besties.
And I made myself Flirtinis.

Then hours before my birthday was coming to an end, it began to snow. Yes it's cool that people in Chicago woke up to snow on December 1st, but that's not why it snowed. I know from Dawson's Creek Season 2 that snow represents hope. It snowed because my 25th year is hopeful and has major prospects of being the greatest yet.
Now, will this snow screw up my plans for tonight's festivities? Probably so, but I can't be mad at it.

For my birthday, I present to you . . My horoscope.

Sagittarius Horoscope for week of November 30, 2006

On Jupiter's moon Europa, there is an absolutely straight narrow line about 125 miles long. NASA'S photos show it clearly. Commenting on this improbably regular feature, renowned author and inventor Arthur C. Clarke says he finds it hard not to conclude that it was constructed by intelligent life. "I'm beginning to think the unthinkable," he writes. Make that sentence your watchword in the coming week, Sagittarius. Be ready to imagine the unimaginable, see the unseeable, and think the unthinkable. And I mean that you should do that with the most optimistic attitude possible. According to my reading of the astrological omens, the almost unbelievable prospects coming into your sphere are interesting and invigorating.

Seasons of Change

Goodbye Fall


Hello Christmas

Trying new things

The following was made possible by my fantastic hermano:

Visiting the Art Institute all while taking in some educational information on the subject of art.

Chicago style pizza. (Too much cheese and bread for me!)

A real club that charges $200+ just to sit at a table. (it was also my first time to see a girl get fingered in public)

Walking around downtown Chicago.

Going to the Opera.

Christmastown in a plaza that included a bonus new thing: german food.

Having the best time yet in this town with mi hermano.

- I'm also trying on a new age, I'm taking the whole week to take it in. It's 25 and it's grand.

- Saturday night Jason Morgan from GH came to me in my dream. It was an eye-opening experience, especially into the things I want or want to be? Very strange, but I'm going to go with it and see what positives it can bring me. And he was in fact in his trademark leather jacket.

Time Out Chicago

There's this weekly magazine that offers quotes "heard on the street" that give me great pleasure. Here's a few of my faves.

I respected you more when you had candy out here.

Whatever he got us for dinner stained my hands yellow.

I was Wicker Park before Wicker Park was Wicker Park.

So I had to fly her out here to take care of a spiritual entity in the drop ceiling.

I'm convinced this is my first life as a woman.

Suzanne, nobody eats at Burger King.

Look, sailors! Wanna give them blowjobs?

Gold digger? Oh yeah, I totally knew that about her.

His mouth looks like a vagina.

*My all time fav*
I mean, like, literally, I hate Ohio.

Dear Diary

Diary, I think you're the only one who understands how excited I've been all day. One might think it's because Grey's Anatomy and The Duel is coming on, but that's not why I've been dancing around all day and counting down the hours till I got home.
No, you know Diary, it's because today is Luke and Laura's wedding. On the 25th anniversary of their wedding that was viewed by 30 million people, the good people at General Hospital are giving us a tribute to the history making show we all love.
Even though my pizza got ate and my shower tolietries were used, this is a great day and I'm excited to be home to enjoy this moment of television greatness.
I gotta go rewind my tape!

Thank you mom for reminding me . . .

to be a good christian girl.

to be tolerant.

to not sink to his level.

to cut him some slack.

to get through the next three months as unbitter as possible.

to be a good person.

PS I will from here on out raise an eyebrow at two of the same zodiac signs living together.

**BREAKING NEWS**

More like the best thing I've heard all week! Britney Spears has filed divorce papers to end her marriage to Kevin Federline. Yes! She got a clue! Let the Reinvention Tour begin.

I have two thoughts on her motivations. 1) She just wanted babies so she found a guy to make that happen, got her babies and now she doesn't need him. 2) She realized how embarrassing his rap efforts are.

Running with Scissors

Go see it before Annette Benning and the man who plays her doctor get awards and you're sitting there wondering what all the greatness is about!

I have not laughed out loud like I did in a very long time, it's the best movie I've seen in years. Now you might be thinking, but I heard it got bad reviews? Well I'm reviewing it and this is not a bad review. Trust me and not some stuffy old man.

Let me drop some of my favorite quotes that might motivate you.

"Do you like my new house, I need high ceilings."

"Hope, I want my beads back."

"Why are all the dishes outside?"
"I'm giving everything that man touched a moon bath."

Oh O

Oprah has a habit of lecturing people while she interviews them, it's a very sneaky way that she does it - but trust me, she does it. For example today she had a girl, on via satellite from jail, that killed her baby and threw it in a quarry. In the first segment of the show Oprah was going over the details of what had happened with the girl and her baby and all Oprah said was, "Say it, say what you did." But you knew by the way she said it that she was scolding that girl. Oprah loves to make people accept their truths.

So here's why I'm excited. Oprah does this, she not only does it with criminals but with people in denial and every once in a while - celebrities. So how excited am I that Lindsay Lohan is going to be on Oprah on Tuesday? That oughta be a scolding that makes you wince a little in your chair.

I got the F outta dodge

"come away come awwwaaayyyyy to avonlea"

I did and it was beautifully fantastic and splendidly fun.

Autumn foliage gave me peace and Earhart gave me strength and wisdom.

I feel like I've been to a retreat.

Today was a bad day. A very very bad day, in all aspects of my life basically. But it end on an up note and I don't think you can ask for much more than that. Thank you to Bravo, 59 cent cheeseburgers and a heater that works when we thought it was a goner.

Office Drama

How does it really happen? Let me inform you. No one actually talks to each other, it's all done by an email sent to a supervisor, that is then forwarded to another supervisor, that is THEN taken to the person it concerns. Then whispers of what happened and who's pissed at who occurs; then the day ends in glares in passing. It's just like school I suppose, but technology makes it even sillier.

It's always good to start off fresh with survey

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you said?
My hair still looks good from last night, gotta be some good hairspray or a good curling iron.
2. When is the next time you will make out?
Well considering I'm working on 3 years since my last decent kiss, I really hope it happens soon.
3. What's a word that rhymes with "LUCK"
duck
4. What's your favorite planet?
Venus
5. Who's the 4th person on your missed calls list?
my brother
6. What is your favorite ring on your phone?
Earth Mama
7. What shirt are you wearing right now?
Swt T-shirt designed by Blondie under a "hunting sweater" that I have fallen in love with.
8. What do you "label" yourself as?
social butterfly
9. Name the brand of shoes you're currently wearing?
Is the brand really what's necessary when you're wearing giraffe slippers?
10. Bright or dark room?
Bright
11. What do you think about the person who took this survey?
I love her. She's one of the most amazing people in my life, I feel privileged to be friends with her. I think God took extra time on her and all of her old souls worked their asses off to come up with the finished product.
12. If you're alone in a room with two beds, which one do you sleep on?
The one farthest from the door.
13. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Hosting a Falloween party, which at that point had truly hit it's prime hour. Drinks flowed, the spread was devoured and Michael Jackson was thrilling us.
14. What did your last text message you received on your mobile say?
Regrets from my friend Sam on not being able to make it to Falloween, who then wished me to have the best time ever.
15. What just so happens to be the best song in the world?
I'm gonna go with "Noel" because at all times of the year it comes in my head. I'm talking it is constantly in my head, so I've gotta think it's pretty great.
16. What's a word or phrase that you say a lot?
Wowzers.
You know what I mean?
Yeah yeah yeah.
17.Who told you he/she loved you last?
My mom.
18. Last furry thing you touched?
I stopped to pet a dog on my street that was having his afternoon walk, really seemed like he wanted to meet me.
19. How many drugs have you done in the past 3 days?
Oh, I'm gonna say the champagne last night should definitely count.
20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?
None, I went digital and occasionally hate myself for it.
21. Favorite age you have been so far?
19, 21, and 23 were pretty great.
22. Your worst enemy?
News briefs that interrupt general hospital.
23. What is your current desktop picture?
A bad ass picture of the cast of grey's anatomy.
24.What is the last thing you said to someone?
I left a message for Care Bear, "Where's that baby?"
25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly, which one would you choose?
Million bucks, scared of heights.
26. Do you love someone?
My family and friends, but I get the sneaking suspicion that's not what you were asking.
27. Last song you listened to?
Somebody put in Scissor Sisters at the end of my party, whoever the f they are.
28. If the last person you spoke to on the phone was getting shot at, what would you do?
lose my mind.
30. Do you do the games in the ads on myspace?
no
31. What's your favorite pair of pajamas like?
tshirt/tank top and capri pj pants
32. What do you do when you pass graveyards?
I think about the oldest headstones.
33. Have you ever seen a shooting star?
yes
34. How old do you think you'll live?
91
35. Have you ever been to www.43things.com?
no
36. List five things you want to do in your lifetime:
1. see 49 states
2. own a great house
3. have a great love
4. make my family proud
5. be a better cook
37. What do you put on your hamburgers?
Earhart, I can't believe we're the same - cheese mayo and ketchup
38. What's your myspace password?
The word is somewhere in this survey, have fun with that.
39. Do you eat raw hotdogs?
no no no no no
40. How much salad dressing do you put on your salad?
Just enough.

I think it's harder to know what you want. Sure you might have a good time floating around saying, "I don't know what I want," but when you know what you want you seek purpose in the things you do, the relationships you take on and the decisions you make. I used to thing everything was so hard and confusing when I didn't know what I wanted, but I find myself singing a different tune now.

The basis of comparison is a powerful thing when your constantly looking at life through the eyes of therapy. I try to reign in feeling better than that which I am comparing myself too, because it's not better - but it is better for me. What's for me is not what is for someone else.

Sure there's things to be said for doing crazy things and having life experiences, and yes I think that's what the twenties are for. And I thank them for that. But in saying that I don't think that it means when were 30 that's when we'll make decisions or that's when we'll "grow up." Because those things don't all happen in a year, our twenties are giving us a journey time to allow that to happen over a period of time.

"Well, you could do that five years from now, or you could do that next year," that was recently said to me which I think is ridiculous! You can do anything now or five years from now, but what are we doing? Just waiting around to turn 30 and then we'll make a decision?

I could go around in circles. I think it's harder when you know what you want, so I'm glad I've figured most of what I want out because it's going to take time to seek them out properly. Adulthood includes a lot of responsibility, and more than anything I think the most responsibility we have to take is for ourselves and our actions. I want a bright future and to secure that, I plan on creating good karma and a clear conscious. I'll make mistakes and things will get fucked up, but at least I'm striving for something good. Not just something that'll get me through the moment.

The song is in me

Your Stripper Song Is Pour Some Sugar on Me by Def Leppard
"Love is like a bomb, baby, c'mon get it on Livin' like a lover with a radar phone Lookin' like a tramp, like a video vamp Demolition woman, can I be your man?"
Break out the baby oil, you rock it old school.

What Song Should You Strip To?

Evanston is Heaven

Yesterday DD and I went to a beautiful piece of heaven called Evanston. It had everything I needed, trees turning their colors, a parking garage, Ryan Gosling in Half Nelson, and Chili's chips and salsa. I felt so happy and comfortable, it was just what the doctor ordered.

And the doctor had to be called because Narci is the most inconsiderate, disrespectful, hypocrite dirty mistress there every was.

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip

This is a new show on NBC on Monday nights at 9pm central.

Matthew Perry, DL Hughley, Bradley Whitford, Timothy Bushfield, Amanda Peet, Evan Handler, Steven Webber. That's a cast ladies and gentlemen, that's a cast.

I am an advocate for this show, I've seen the first two episodes and it is good y'all! Quick witty writing and a very interesting setting that I've never seen on tv before. Oh! It's so good. Just give it a go and I'll buy you a coke if you don't like it.

To catch up before next Monday go to nbc.com and watch the first two episodes.

Love it!

Seriously? Seriously.

I can not stop saying that word! It's quite possible that the reason is because I've heard it over a hundred times in the past week. The reason for that is because my grey's season 2 dvd came in and Thursday was the season premiere. They say it a lot, it's a thing, which is why I feel like I should watch my mouth in public because people know where that word comes from. You might think well, not everyone watches grey's anatomy. However on Thursday, 25.1 million Americans tuned in to the Season 3 premiere of Grey's Anatomy. Seriously.

me too.

1.You and Jesus go out to dinner - who pays? Don't you think if Jesus walked into a restaurant, the meal would be on the house?

2. You suddenly have to flee the country and adopt an alias who is it? Natalie Spencer

3. Pick one state in the U.S. to get rid of permanently? I don't understand why we have Alaska, you have to go through another country to get to it. And I also think Florida is sinking.

4. You wake up as the opposite gender - what's the one thing you wanna try? Masturbate, come on!

5. Luke Skywalker or Han Solo? Han Solo, but really Indiana Jones

6. Toy you always wanted but never got as a child? A kid sized Jeep.

7. Top three celebrities you wanna do? Matthew Machoan-who? (sp?) Ryan Gosling and Joshua Jackson

8. What's an automatic deal breaker in a potential significant other? A pussy of a man.

9. What is the last movie you saw that actually scared you? Cabin Fever

10. Worst thing you've ever said out loud? Albino Bitch

11. You're sentenced to death and its the morning of your execution what's your last meal?Fountain Drinks, chips and salsa and one of the many entrees I love that my Grandma makes.

12. What's something that most people do that you've never done? Had good sex.

13. Before you die you want to go to...? All 50 states.

14. Something you'd really like to do but probably wont ever be able to do? be on a soap

15. A wild animal you'd like to have as a pet? koala

16. A drug you'll never try? I don't wanna.

17. If you were an animal what would you be? cheetah

18. If you had to marry someone you knew at the age of 12 who would it be? Jeremy McKay or Stony Jones - if he cleaned up his act by now.

19. What's something most people don't know about you? I love making my bed. It's a new thing, but I'll do it no matter what. I just love it.

20. First celebrity crush? Cary Elwes, Princess Bride

21. What's a weapon to suit your personality, habits and abilities? an arrow.

23. Favorite breakfast bread style (pancakes, waffles, toast etc...)? Savory flavored bagels.

24. Favorite parody movie? The Eyes of Tammy Faye, she was serious but the person who made the movie was not.

25. Worst way to die? Buried alive, easy.

26. Grossest injury you've ever seen? Those archival football videos where you hear things break and go the wrong, unnatural way.

27. The worst injury you've ever had? I jumped out a window and broke my ankle.

28. Favorite thing about thanksgiving? Toss up, my birthday or the sides?

29. Sport you hate the most? Baseball

30. What city in the U.S. do you want to visit? Abingdon VA, but I'd also take Savannah GA.

31. What's something you think would be sweet to know everything about? the weather.

32. Favorite Actor/Actress?
Let's take this by mediums:
Michael Douglas/ Shirley McClaine
Anthony Geary/ Laura Wright
Joshua Jackson/ Katherine Heigel

33. What's one phrase you absolutely detest? TomKat.

34. What makes an awesome party? Being hostess, champagne, great friends, good tunes and a spread.

35. What's your material obsession? Bags

36. What's something most would consider an insult but you enjoy having said about you? What?

37. Favorite kind of dog? My dog Trixie is the best dog ever. I also think Puggles are ridiculously cute.

38. Favorite carnival food (everyone has one)? Sausage Wrap.

39. Morning or night person? I'm good all day but sometimes I dip from 4-7 pm.

40. Worst drunken/drugged up habit? I used to show my boobs way too much, totally embarrassing.

41. Weirdest ebay purchase? Never done it.

42. Favorite food to eat when you're wasted? Taco Cabana

43. Its Saturday at 3am where are you? These days, in bed.

44. Who's your favorite friend to go out with? Christina or Bobby, depending on where.

45.Worst job you've ever had? Latchkey Supervisor in Junior High

46. What's something your friends make fun of you for? I don't know, being silly or dramatic?

47. Favorite cereal?Right now? Honey Nut Clusters

48. Book you could read repeatedly? The Great Gatsby, Pride and Prejudice and Soapsuds.

49. What's the meanest thing you've ever done? Had relations with a friends boyfriend.

50. What's your favorite movie quote?
Any time you see a basketball court, boys be playing basketball. Girls? Girls just stand around talking and things. - Spellbound

Fall Premiere Week

This is quite possibly my favorite week of the year, for some it's fashion week, for some it's awards season - but me - it's all about this week. And I am cut out of participating to my fullest potential! First of all, how can Megan Mullally and Rachel Ray and Oprah premiere on the same day, during daytime, a day that I am stuck in an office working 8-4:30? Not fair!
Now all of this would be possible to be a part of (or at least watched over the weekend) if I had my magical 13" TV/VCR combo. But no! The Russians have taken it prisoner in there stupid little shop all the time never giving me an estimate of when it might be ready. The man I am forced to deal with is officially the worst person in the service industry and when I do get my TV back, fixed or not, I am calling my TV company that referred me to this company and reporting my horrific experiences with this man. I hate him, and because of him, he's spoiling fall TV premiere week for me! Wah!

No more BK

Cherry. I don't know if you're pissing me off, or if you're doing your job. ?
Time will tell.

They've released the crazy folk.

Setting: I'm standing outside work on a break when a homeless man/ beggar man walks up to me.

Man: Can I have a quarter?
Me: A quarter?
Man: Well a dollar if you . . .
Me: I don't have a dollar.
Man: Ok, 35 cents.
(I pull out my wallet and get out 50 cents. Meanwhile . . .)
Man: You're pretty, here I wanna give you this.
( He pulls out a Strawberry Jam pack you get from a diner)
Me: You want to give me strawberry jam? Here's fifty cents.
Man: Yeah, it's for you.
Me: Well, I don't have any toast so you go ahead and keep it.

Question #2

Chicago? What is so skanky about you that you literally leave a bad taste in people's mouth? That's supposed to be an expression, "leave a bad taste in someone's mouth." But not to you Chicago, you literally make someone's mouth taste like shit. People are just going about their days, doing what they need to do, going where they need to go and by the time they reach their destination they seriously are in need of a stick of gum. It's disgusting the way this city taste and to boot I don't think you're supposed to taste a city! Chicago, what's the deal? Get a breath mint. Or maybe employ people to just walk around spraying breath freshener.

When a huge chunk of peace comes over you . . .

I believe you have to take it. With so much confusion in our twenties, if your brain is screaming something at you - I think you should listen. I also think there comes a time when you have to stop being hard on yourself, stop listening to a past of naysayers and go with your gut. When I was 13 I wanted to be a soapstar, but in reality I was 17-24 years old. Things have happened that have jetted me into my actual age of 24, and with that it's time to make adult decisions. It's not just about what career I want, but the lifestyle I want. I am a person of security with a yearn to make a difference and a passion for the arts. With that description comes a lot of titles, not just one, but several. But a title I do want, that I am from here on out going after with a fierceness, is to be a teacher. It's what I played as a child, it's what made the differences in my adolescence, and it's what I believe to be my gift as an adult. It's an incredible feeling when you stop feeling lost, when everything connects and all the light bulbs go off, when your life feels driven and purposeful and more exciting than ever. I wish it for everyone because I have never felt better.

thanks chicago

Sunday night DD was over and we talked about a lot of things, one of the subjects was Chicago and how we feel about it. I won't go into detail on the things we said because somethings are just left between DD and me. But I will say we weren't exactly having a love fest on the subject. I guess Chicago heard us talking and decided to throw salt. I've never seen a rat in my life, call me pampered, I'm glad I haven't seen one. Until Sunday night, I was pulling in to my parking space from taking DD home when my headlights hit a pile of debree from an apartment they've been gutting beind my house. And there was a huge fat rat. I know it wasn't a mouse because I've heard that rats are big with long tails. It was a gross fucking rat. I've seen a rat now. Thanks Chicago.

The Portrait of Dorian Gray

Last night I saw a dance/play that was an adaptation of the story of Dorian Gray and his portrait. It's hard for me to even explain how much I loved it because there's almost nothing I can say to describe how amazing it was, I really just wish everyone in my life had gone, because then . . . well they would just know. It was set in the eighties, which added a great element of the world of coke and skeezy gay clubs. But then the costumes and the set still held elements of a Victorian era. The music was composed for the show and pulled emotions from you along with this passionate dancing, where like the director said in the notes, "no words are needed because through the dancing you call feel Basil's unrequited love." I think my favorite person was the guy that played the portrait, who never talked by the way, maybe because I loved that there was a guy playing the portrait. But my guess is, it's because from beginning to end I knew he had a secret.

The lunch room

I had some great finds at the lunch cart at work today, I got a sizely cup of delicious broccoli cheese soup and a bag of grapes for $4.60. So I sat down to lunch in the vending room feeling quite pleased with myself and ready to dig in. Now, there's only four tables in this room and I am only one person; so this girl asked if she could sit at my table, which I of course was fine with. I'm reading and eating and not really sure what she's about to eat, I just see something a bit odd in her tupperware which she is warming up. It's so weird looking through the plastic I thought it was shrimp pasta. But it's weirder. She sits down after using the microwave, opens the tupperware, pulls out an actual knife and fork and begins to eat an artichoke. An artichoke! An artichoke.

Lies at the Alter

-inspired by last night's Oprah, guests were Lance Armstrong's ex wife and Dr. Robin Smith.

I believe in marriage, I believe in it for myself, but it's a dangerous place for us over pleasing women to go into - especially blindly. I think we've got to see that even in the 21st century, bigger than Watergate, bigger than who killed JFK, marriage is a conspiracy theory. The engagement and the showing of the ring overwhelm women and they are still believing in the Cinderella story, but the Cinderella story is not complete, it wasn't finished - the next 6 months were left out.
I think the most important thing Lance Armstrong's ex wife said was that she forgot her list, if you would have asked her in the heart of her marriage what she loved she would have rattled off her normal list of what she loves about Lance. She forgot the list of things she loved by herself, for herself. That's what I'm scared of, I don't want to forget my list.
I love champagne.
I love fireworks.
I love my family and my friends.
I love dancing till your dripping with sweat.
I love singing cheesy songs at ridiculously loud volumes.
I love cats.
I love hosting.
I love having time alone.

Dr. Robin Smith has a book, Lies at the Alter, and it has 75 questions couples assume but never ask and I suggest the book, but I really suggest the questions.

At the California Clipper . . .

You can have the best time! I had the best time last night at this swanky cute place called the California Clipper. I was in a red booth with great lighting and I got to discuss books and happenings around the town. OK, first, the entertainment. Jessica Jane Childs and her lovely beau are one hell of a singing duo not to mention the incredible band that backs them up with great talent. She's really really good, blew me away.
Second, the drinks. How can I not love a place where I can get a Champagne Cocktail along with a drink that involves grape soda? Let me just give you the tasty run down. Champagne Cocktail: bitters, a twist and a sugar cube with a tiny bottle of delicious and bubbly champagne. Purple Martin: GRAPE SODA ON DRAFT, coconut rum and lemon.
All together it was a delicious evening!!!

Best quote of the evening: "Idlewild, it's like the black Moulin Rouge." Blondie

A little free will astrology never hurts

As I contemplate your week ahead, I can't help but think of the Butthole Surfers' song "Pepper": "They were drinking from a fountain / that was pouring like an avalanche / coming down the mountain." Are you ready for much, much more of everything that interests and stimulates you, Sagittarius? Can you imagine what you'd have to do to expand your capacity for big emotions and provocative sensations? Of course not: No one can be fully prepared for an avalanche. But do the wildest best you can, and your lust for life will provide you with all the intuitions you need.


Me likey.

To Do

Here's my list of to do. This is the order I've decided on doing things, forgetting all expectations from myself and others - this is what I need to do. It goes like this:

job
therapy
curves/kickboxing
theatre

I needed to put that in order because I was stressing myself out with where to start, what to do and how I'm gonna do it all still while having the best experience I can in this city. I'm responsible for this experience and how it goes and if I let perfection and being hard on myself get in the way then this experience will be meaningless. If you really look at it, it's a basic list of human priorities; shelter, food and water then mind, body and spirit. That's how I figured that one out.

Thanks mom, I love you most.

what a new job can do for you

It can invigorate you.
It can pay you.
It can introduce or reconnect you to great people.
It can introduce you to horribly annoying people.
It can be an eye-opener.
It can give you the chance to read a book in 2 days, I don't think I've ever done that. But when your job is sitting at a table and passing out id's whenever someone comes up - then you've got a lot of time on your hands. I'd like to attribute this accomplishment of mine to Mrs. Johnson. My ninth grade english teacher who introduced me to The Great Gatsby, which I have thoroughly enjoyed. I think I had no idea what was going on in this book, but this time I am intrigued! And it's really fun to read a book and picture Robert Redford in my head as the title character.

Thank you Mrs. Johnson. I believe because of you there's something new in my life.

lovely day

This was my oh so lovely day yesterday. Slept like a princess. Then Blondie called me to go to brunch with him, his treat - too nice. We had brunch at this really good mexican influenced place, then we drove around - including a drive by THE HARPO STUDIOS!!!!! What a moment. Then Blondie and I came back to my place and finally got silly, we did beauty products, soda and design television. A few hours later I went and got DD, she introduced me to a new grocery store where we had a very good time and just got in a lot of people's way. We had a fabulous spread on the floor, a meal which I will call The Deli Feast, we had a small breakthrough and got honest. I am so thankful for someone I can go to here and feel safe enough to be honest and unforgiving. Then DD and I went to Blondie's to have champagne and watch Mothman Prophecies, it was the perfect cool and creepy night. To end my lovely day I got to DRIVE home at 1am listening to the Last 5 Years and feeling really content. I did what I wanted and it resulted in a lovely day.

the neighbor

So I have this neighbor. He's two down, he lives on the first floor, I live on the third floor. He's been compared to a certain nick of former days. He loves records and listens to them as he sits on his balcony smoking cigarettes and drinking beer. He waits tables, but calls himself a waitress - says he's waitressing. Today I walked up to the door and he was sitting inside with the door open, facing outside and reading a book in a wheelchair. He talks on his cell phone loud enough for the entire street to hear and this evening I heard quite possibly more than I wanted to hear. Apparently he had just gotten home from waitressing where he works with stuck-up pricks. He got drenched from riding his bike home from waitressing, so he was standing outside smoking and drinking in his boxers. This is his loud phone conversation. I felt intrusive being outside, so I ran inside.

deal-breaker

I get to go to work on Tuesday. Just in time to because cabin fever was creeping up on me. I'm very happy and turning a leaf. If I had to name that leaf I'd call it two weeks. I've been here for two weeks and I'm starting to lose sight of the women I was becoming this summer. That's a problem and it's counterproductive. I was doing so good at so many things and then I come up here and I lose sight of my . . .(What is that called, my touchstone, my target, my focus point? Somebody fill it in please!) I'm not sure how the life I need to live is going to fit in with the people I know up here, but it's gotta happen and it is more important to me than anything right now. The environment I am in for the majority of my time is not ideal for healthy living and healing and growing. So I've gotta mold that into what I need to live with, I need to make a comfortable place to grow.

This is the deal-breaker. It's either go down one path or go down the other and I'm definitely choosing the other. It's the most important thing to me.

Because I am not the one who should call

I can not believe you haven't called! What it says to me is that you know you did something wrong, but our friendship doesn't mean enough to you for you to get over your ego to call me and apologize. It says to me that a rub-a-dub-dub in skeezy sheets means more than our six year friendship. Yes, I was drunk and mad and therefore might not have dealt with it in the best way; however I never treated you with indecency or devalued our friendship. I can't help wondering if this is your stinky pride and your neverending quest to be right, or are you that clueless to the way people should be treated. I literally went out of my way so you could have that weekend, spent money and wasted time for a friendship that I thought was special and long-lasting.
I am shocked, I am angry, but more than anything - it just breaks my heart.

And PS: Jenny Matthews doesn't hold a candle to our friendship.

Sensitive Teeth

The root of all evil. No. The root is the evil. It's the root that hurts, not the cold and tasty beverage. Watch what you blame that sensitivity on.

Question for Chicago #1

Where can you pee?

I was downtown today getting myself and job and the restroom in the lobby was locked. Then I walked into a Walgreens thinking I should really pee before I make the treck home - no restroom. I walked into these huge thing called the Thompson Center before I caught my train really thinking there has got to be a restroom in here - I did complete circle (because it's round) and no restroom! Fine! So I got on my train, got to my destination thinking I'll take a chance and pee somewhere gross even I have to go so bad - nope. So I walked outside, waited fifteen minutes for my bus then walked 2 blocks or so to my house, walked up 3 flights of stairs and was finally able to go to the restroom. Chicago, where CAN you pee?

GH?? What the f**k?

Lulu's pregnant.

Carly catches Maxie sleeping with Lucky, she tells his wife Liz, who doesn't believe Carly so she marches up to the room and catches them midthrust.

Ric sees Alexis hugging on the mayor (really because she has cancer) and goes off and sleeps with her new found daughter who's boyfriend Jason just told her they can never be together. This might be the grossest and most shocking if you hadn't paid attention to my favorite quote of the summer. "Brace yourself for what I do next, BRACE YOURSELF!" - the new found daughter.

Now these I really did see coming, but what did I not see happening?
Liz and Jason sleeping together to forget about their broken hearts.
Shocking!!

Friends with Money

I saw that movie and I remember seeing promos and interviews for it where the actresses involved brought up a question that is raised in the movie: If I met you today, would I still decide to be your friend?
Forget everything we've gone through, just person to person, would I like you as I know you now as I am today. It's a hard thought, and not one that requires drastic action, but it's something to think about.
BK made me realize that everything we do is a decision, maybe some might not agree with that but I fucking do. Somebody doesn't make you mad, you decide to get mad - and sometimes you have every freaking right to be mad. Just like that, we decide to be friends with people or we decide to cut ties with people. I know that last one really well because I've done it, and not because I'm a cruel bitch but because sometimes you've gotta love yourself more to the point where you won't put up with someone's shit anymore. I've seen others do this and yes it's been hard and sad but in the end I'm proud of them because they stood up for themselves.
I get myself in trouble a lot because I love hard, I go out of my way for a birthday or a ground breaking event, I listen to the same vent over and over, I stand back while the same person hurts my friend repeatedly - but I'm there and I do my damnedest to be loyal and 100% on their side. But the thing is no one asks that of me, I just give it. A lot comes from learning from the masters of true hard core friends, but I did bring a lot to the table. When I exude that I expect some back, this is not Christmas and I am not Santa Clause.
Where's loyalty, where is trust, where's selflessness, where's understanding, where is time, where is a moment that I am brought to tears because someone loves me as much as I love them? Yes I need more because I don't completely have my family but I try and not make that a burden by giving as much as I possibly can. In a lot of ways I have to become more selfish because I've been playing on the playground like we're all 12 - but "we're adults now, when did that happen?" I've just gotta step up the 'me' game to get on everyone else's level. But even after that I still want to believe that I have chosen good friends that I can have amazingly fierce relationships with. That's the real question, what is it about the way I choose friends?
Now, it's actually impossible for all this to come out of one day, it's been building. What it's really about is, after all my journeys this summer, after the dust settles - it's shocking to see who is still standing behind you.

Organization High

I hereby admit that I just got an organization high. I got a desk today and was able to finish my room and put everything away which is something I need to have done to fully function in a place. It's my little obsessive trait. But gosh I love putting things away!
And it's all made possible by the "make your own closet" aisle at Target. They have allowed me to organize my room cheaply and with light carriable furniture. I freaking love my room! It is me, me, me! More than any other I do have to say.

Well, now that I'm organized - I guess I better find a job to pay for this amazing, single, sexy, sprinkled with susan room.

Movement

Well the long journey is finally winding down and the dust will soon settle. I'm taking things one day at a time, I'm not saying what I will or won't do until the day of because I don't want to get locked into something I don't wanna do. I'm taking things slow and I'm doing things my way. My place is amazing I really think this is going to be my favorite bedroom ever - which is interesting because I've never really like my bedrooms. I have things to take care of and I am focused on doing them, I can play when I get my shit together. I already have a crush, but we won't talk about that just yet. I miss my mom and home a lot and I'll fucking cry about everyday if I have to because I get really upset about it. So the jury's still out but I hear it's getting pretty great reviews.

Look twice before you leap - Charlotte Bronte

Our strength is often composed of the weakness we're damned if we're going to show - Mignon McLaughlin

You can't be brave if you've only had wonderful things happen to you - Mary Tyler Moore

...the greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not on our circumstances. - Martha Washington

If you have made mistakes ... there is always another chance for you ... you may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call "failure" is not the falling down, but the staying down. - Mary Pickford

Mistakes are part of the dues one pays for a full life. - Sophia Loren

You may be disappointed in you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try. - Beverly Sills

Think wrongly, if you please, but in all cases think for yourself. - Doris Lessing

Women are repeatedly accused of taking things personally. I cannot see any other honest way of taking them. - Marya Mannes

Adventure is something you seek for pleasure, or even for profit, like a gold rush or invading a country; but experience is what really happens to you in the long run; the truth that finally overtakes you. - Katherine Anne Porter

Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got. - Janis Joplin

Waterfront, I've never loved you more and I hate to go. Elvis, I'll be stopping by. Lakeside, I shall take you on soon enough.

Favorite Pairing: BK and a Coca-Cola Icee

Today, sadly, was my last day with BK. But it was good of course and when I got out I felt like, ok, I can go now. She was the perfect person for the job and I am so thankful for her, she literally has changed my life and given me more hope for the future than I have had in my entire life. There are things that will remain between her and I and there are things from her I will share because they are just absolutely brilliant. I'll share some now:
Good for you.
You can't make someone mad, they decide to get mad. Everything is a decision.
Take it cafeteria style.
Equal relationships are equal in respect, decency, integrity and give & take.
And that's just a few. She was absolutely destined to fill this role in my life, and yes I will seek someone like her - but there will never be another BK.

"You need sun and rain to make plants grow. If it was all sun you'd get fried. This is your raining day - take it." - some lady talking to girls with too much foundation, but I was moved.

Proud Mama

I am so absolutely proud of my friend Bebe. Not only was she just cast as the lead in Psycho Beach Party by a company she has not been affiliated with, but she overcame that horrible little demon I hate called Precast. That's right she took that part right right out from under somebody's nose. (I wouldn't wanna be that girl tonight - but who cares? I'm excited for Bebe!) I think she's going to be amazing in the show just as she was in the last show I saw her in. It's called living the kick ass lifestyle and I like it.

Characters: My Family Setting: The Car

Bro: Today I saw these really funny greeting cards at the stationary store. One was real pretty on the front and said "congratulations on your commitment ceremony." Then you open the card and it says, "does your mom know your gay?"
(Laughter)
Bro: I thought about getting a few for you.
Me: I wish you would have.
Mom: But Blondie and Bird aren't in serious relationships.
Me: Blondie is, but I mean he's not getting committed.
Pause.
Laughter ensues.

Decency

1. Apologize for breaking my martini glass. Apologize for making my set of 4 glasses with matching pitcher a non-set. Apologize!
2. As a person who's never had new furniture in any of her 5 apartments, don't say second hand furniture is ugly or crap. But if you want to send yourself into credit card hell for furniture which we could get (with character) at more than half the price - then do so. I will sit back and watch.
3. Not everything needs to be painted in high-gloss black!

PS - These are little things that don't matter at the end of the day, but I needed to get them out. And when I say out I mean everytime there's an exclamation point my voice goes up in my head. We have 20 hours of road trip to get on the same page and play a little game I like to call compromise, so we'll be fine. Graceland will be wonderful. I'm just used to living with someone who likes the look of wood.

**breaking news**

General Hospital has recently brought back many of their most famous characters from their hay-day in the 1980's including Rick Springfield, Finola Hughes, Tristan Rogers, Emma Sans; leaving everyone wondering - could this mean the return of Laura? Luke and Laura Spencer had the biggest wedding in television history, it was the afternoon in November of 1981 that had half of the workforce calling in to work. (A week before I was born by the way, and how old will I be this November - 25.) You might have guessed it by now, but I'm going to announce it. Just in time for the most famous supercouple's 25th wedding anniversary Laura will return to Port Charles. President of ABC television said, "We are excited for her return as we gear up to commemorate a quarter-century since the biggest milestone in the history of daytime." To accommodate the actress' desire to leave the show in 2002, they made her lose her mind and sent her to a sanitarium, occasionally Luke would visit "her" which was really a blonde woman in a rocking chair and you never saw her face. She seemed so lifeless at points I questioned a Psycho stroyline building up. But in weeks past a clue to this actress' return was given, after one of Luke's visits he caressed her shoulder as he left and then all of a sudden you see Laura reach up and grab her shoulder as Luke had. I'm just glad it wasn't crazy skeleton Psycho hand with long white hairs hanging off it.

Favorites of Summer

Favorite way to start my day: Onion bagel w/cream cheese and Crystal Light Sunrise Classic Orange.

Favorite couple: Dillon and Lulu which is a sensitive subject because they broke up today. But I'm crossing my fingers.

Favorite feeling: Feeling kick ass and on top of my shit.

Favorite activity: Playing with my dog Trixie.

Favorite new person: Frances, at my work.

Favorite clothes: Rocketdog sneakers, comfy polos from Old Navy and my big Liz Claiborne bag.
Favorite new person I've never met: Andy, the real estate agent. Which has possibility for huge disappointment but the anticipation is enjoyable.

Favorite pairing: BK and a Coca-Cola Icee.

Favorite decor item: It's a tie between my newly framed Jack Vettriano poster (which I have had since the Carlise) and my aunt M bought me a big star made of barnwood that I'm sure is from a barn in Texas made by a man from Texas.

Favorite addiction: BB7 It's not a summer without it.

Favorite CD: Last 5 Years

Favorite DVD: A&E's Pride and Prejudice. (When will it stop?)

Favorite thing I did today: Made up my own survey.

Favorite quote: "Brace yourself for what I do next, BRACE YOURSELF!!" - Samantha McCall

Adventure of Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn

This pair is saving me from myself this summer. Their adventurous spirit and loyalty streak that goes on and on are strengthening and supportive. Last year I just went on my adventure cold turkey, but this year I have questions and doubts and trepidations - but just like last year they think it's kick ass and have been the ones holding me up when I almost fall out of it. Knowing that they are supporting me every step of the way is how I will take these huge steps. And Tom's right, I'll get shit on and then I'll stand back up, clean my self of and put one foot in front of the other. And Huck's right, if I never go then I'll always wonder and I'll be better for the adventure no matter what happens along the way. I don't know how I will ever repay these two for what they have done for me and my spirit, but if either ever came calling to quietly float the longest river in America - I'd be there in a heart beat. And I'd probably bring us a well packed picnic.

A fortnight

My instincts or my intuitions or my gut, whatever the phrase is, that have done me really well in the past. Kept me from being harassed by the cops on the roof of a haunted house. Made me turn down a different street with Blondie instead of going to the party that no one ever stopped talking about, at least for a year. My instincts that guided me to leave a few parties before their time was up. And I believe these instinct to have been my angel on my shoulder through the years and kept me very safe I might add.
Well this is me putting it on record that for the first time in a very long time, I am going against my instincts. So if something horrible or traumatic happens to me, it's my own fault for going against those fibers that stand up and scream "hold on!" at me. It will be my fault for going against the tride and true "doubt means don't."
There are lots of positives in this situation and I hope that they all rise to the surface, but that's expectations and we know how those and I work out. It's really hard to make a big decision when you are going back and studying why you've made every other decision in your life.
I just don't want to come out of this wishing I would have stayed home to watch Ferngully.

The growth that never stops growing

I feel kick ass I feel kick ass I feel kick ass. I may not look how I wish I did and I'm definitely not done with the process, but I feel kick ass! I feel so awesome and I'm fucking running with it, because I most certainly can not recall a time. My journey is far from over but I have already hit the ground running on the first lap, BK even said so. She is a fantastic woman in my life and makes me more empowered than I have ever felt. Empowered like, no joke I'm taking kickboxing when I get to Chicago because I'm about to burst I wanna kick and punch something so bad.

And speaking of women in my life . . . BK recently asked me about my lack of female relationships which left me perplexed because all the ones I know and love are far away. But then two weeks later I was bombarded with female love. Five wonderful and unique older woman at the lazy ass, a 4 hour dinner with an old friend Dice where we slipped back into this amazing support system for each other and never wanted to lose touch again. Then a 3 hour girl chat with Xtina on my bed that was double the empowerment because she has the most beautiful fight in her that I've ever seen and we feed off of each other's similarities like loyalty, love and a true independent spirit. I've recently been feeling so much unexpected support and love from Huck which I appreciate so much because she is an inspirational wonder to me. Now tomorrow I get to go be with this gorgeous woman who for all my life has been my sister basically and her new sister in law, and they both invigorate me to do things that no one else in my life does - and I love it.

It just feels like BK put it out there and all these fantastic people answered the call. I'm so grateful, it's the unexpected help along the way that reverses those feelings of being completely alone. I wish I could hand some of the ladies in my life what I feel right now, because it feels like I'm at a fantastic slumber party and all the previously mentioned women have put in two fingers and are holding me afloat in a good ole game of "light as a feather, stiff as a board."

a weekend in the country

It's almost spiritual to see a mother raccoon teaching her baby to be a bird seed stealin' bandit.
Not really but a baby raccoon is the cutest animal I've ever seen, it looks like little gray kitten with a zorro mask on.
I realized this past weekend that I have great women in my life. They are all completely different and contribute something different to the growth of me, but they'll all bust into giggle fits over the silliest basset hound you ever did see. I wasn't always aware of the gifts these magnificent women could give me if I just paid attention, but I am fully aware now and I intend to take full advantage whenever life gives me the opportunity. Especially at the Lazy Ass Ranch.

Black and Blue

I stubbed my toe yesterday at work when I was going after this girl Tanejia (by the way her sister's name is Tykie) and at first I thought it was just a stubbed toe that you have to ride out until the pain goes away. Now, I have little toes. In fact my pinky toe isn't even a toe, it's more of a nub. So a few hours pass and my toe is still in pain. I look down and my toe is black - not blue or purple - it's bruised black. I have a black nub.

Well, I'm off to the lazy ass ranch to be lazy, eat cake and bird watch.
'Ta.

One month . . .

One month to wrap it up.
One month to spend time with my family.
One month till I'm done with daycare.
One month to love all that is Texas.
One month to pack it all up.
One month left with BK.
One month till I get to play gal pals with DD.
One month till I get to set up house.
One month till I get the shit scared out of me.
One month till Blondie and I can gasp and giggle together.
One month and I won't know where I am.
One month till my whole world changes.
One month till my whole world changes!!

Port Charles and the summer of gasps:

It all started with Jax and Carly having goodbye sex. He left her sleeping in the bed, paused at the door, said I love you and walked off the set for who knows how long. She opened her eyes revealing she wasn't sleeping and said I love you too. Commercial break and I'm officially crying and quite frankly taken aback by my reaction to this couple. But that's when the gasps started and I knew it was gonna be one hell of a summer.
There's joyous gasps like Lulu and Diego plotting together to break up Dillon and Georgie, and Dillon kissing Lulu.
There's fuck yeah gasps like Carly kicking Emily out so she can take over Sonny's bipolar situation. Cause it's not a bipolar situation unless Carly says, "Max, no phone calls, no visitors, do not walk through that door no matter what you hear. That door doesn't open until I say it does."
There's the sick-twisted-summer gasp like Manny threatening to tattoo his prisoner Sam in a hospital basement. After all it's not a gh summer if a female lead isn't strapped to a bed.
There's the gh history coming back gasp like Finola Hughes reviving her famous role as Anna Devaine and that crazy bird Helena Cassidine threatening to throw someone off a cliff.
And it's not a gasp it's more of a quiet acknowledgement, when Luke Spencer says something meaningful and runs off the docks. It means he's going to Amsterdam for the summer.
Thank you General Hospital. I am officially excited and ready to see where you're taking me.

Fuck!!

My cover is blown! My anonymity is thrown out the window!
People from high school have found me on that fucker myspace.
I like the girl that asked me to be her friend but damn she has some heavy hitters on her page, like people I'd rather wait the four years till the reunion to reunite with. So let's just say right now I'm scared they'll notice I've been added to her page. High school and people from high school is really important to some people; but I went off to college and blossomed - that is where my friends are from. I talk to 2 people from high school, and I was fine with that. Fuck, can I be the bitch that picks and chooses?

Then a guy whom I really consider to be from junior high (you know what I mean, when you don't really know what happened to em after you became freshman?) wrote me a letter! On that fucker myspace! He asked if it was me, which it is, but if not then "nevermind." Oh, I'm not writing him back. He is not a good person from my past, and when I say past I mean 6th grade. I'm talking like he was mean to me and later that day several boys beat him up in the restroom. Why would you contact me? Yes I assisted in the demise of your social life, so why would you contact me? Avoidance is the game I'm playing on that one.

And while we're at it, let's really talk about that fucker myspace. It's like that friend that is so awesome every once in a while and gives you good surprises. And you love it and you can be really into hanging out with that friend like everyday. And then, BAM! It fucks you over sideways with a chainsaw on a pile of hay. That fucker.

Rice and a Coke

I think Blondie found the solution to my problem. A "yummy" brick third floor apartment. And now, I'm excited!

What's so relatable about Grey's Anatomy?

BK told me today. I don't know if she watches the show, but she gave me a metaphor and it sure sounded like the trials of Meredith, Christina, George, Izzy and Alex to me.

When medical students become interns they are faced with one huge choice.
To step up to the table, to make that first cut.
They've been given all the knowledge they need; it has been very expensively taught to them. But when the time comes to step up to the table and take action, well - it's a decision.

We're all dealing. But those of us who step up to the table and address the issue, we will make residency.

Seriously.

Everyone and their effing headshots! Yes it's a good thing to have a crazed look in your eye when trying to get cast, or even to look like you have a secret; but for myspace? It looks a little crazy. There's like 20 people from my school with the exact same headshot, not exactly obviously but from the same guy with the same setup. So all these 20 people really kinda look the same. You know what else is weird to see? Lone webcam pictures of people in their bathrooms trying to look sexy. Two things on that, gross and there are pedophiles out there whacking it to your picture. And worse than that is the ever popular trying to look mysterious through your web cam. It seems to all be a lot of awkward posing.
And as far as I know, no one is casting off of myspace, not even for pornos or indie flicks.

What's in a name?

A lot. Why must parents torture their children by giving them ridiculous names? Or annoying spellings of names? I am absolutely convinced this is because these are children of Bluff rats. Here's the new trend, it's not odd names like Zaudia that bug me, it's the phonetically spelled names that get me. For instance:

Iris. Cute, I actually really liked it when I heard it, then I saw how it was spelled. Eiras.

Taylor. Heard it, liked it. But Tailore?

There's an Isaiah which if you say it aloud right now, go ahead I-za-ah, is fine and dandy. However his mother informed me she'd like me to say it: I-say-ah. Yeah, cause that's gonna go over for the next 18 years.

And there's one girl named Tykie. I can't even comment but just know I think it's horrible and a little cruel.

There's a lot of really interesting names that I really like out there, but trying to get creative by the way you spell it? Well, that just makes me think you were high when you were naming your child.

Top 3 Reasons I love this picture:

I don't remember having this picture taken.

Have you ever seen a drunker bride?

And I just love my cuz.

For Juliet, and anyone who needs some giggles.

Prom Party: the after party, the hooker that guy took to prom, the anti prom and Prom Queen 1987.

"Please don't give opinions, I'm not asking for them."
A hippo in DC and cocktails.

"Freshman Bitches!"

"The man was a genius."

sometimes all you need is your mother

"Chicago might have all the answers for you."

"If you don't go because the situation isn't exactly perfect or ideal, then you will always wonder."

I love you KW, but I lived through the Carlise and the stealing of the car.
I lived through the Evil Witch of the Palazzo.
It's just furniture and wood.
What is there to be so scared of? I have more than friends. I have three brothers who will watch my back and have my back.

I'm going, I'm ordering furniture and I'm gonna do this.

Hope is the good thing, but what if . . .

What if everything is different from this summer on? I think it's exciting because things haven't worked out that well in the past. I think more is going to be different than one might expect.
Because what if it is literally everything. What if everything I ever said I wanted is different now? Because now I'm really figuring myself out. And growing up by the way, which everyone else has done but I have major catching up to do. I question that some won't be able to understand or support. And I question whether some will be able to handle my extreme focus on myself during this time. I've been alturistic to a fault for most of my life, but right now I can't afford to have fear or guilt over what my actions could do to others. What if I lose friends? What if I am no longer on the road as everyone else? What if I change my mind? What if I want to live my best life? What if I want to change lives? What if I can't handle what everyone thinks? What if I need truth and only truth right now? What if I'm 13 going on 24? How would you handle that?

"It's easy to be supportive, it's harder to be truthful." - BK

I miss this. See that, right there? It's to the east of me and I wanna hop, skip over. This is so beautiful fun to me I can't stand it! It's 8 am sunshine because I decided I had to see Second Samuel again so I stayed another night. And I love the little Appalachia cottage that you can't see, but I know it's there and I know the beauty and hip-ness that lies within. And in case anyone was wondering, that is in fact the best actress at barter theatre. She's kicking ass and taking names, I just wish I was there to see her everytime she does it. Mmm-wahh.

Working Girl

Let's talk about my new job and how much I freak'n love it.

What: Lunch Relief at Children's Daycare Center
Where: In the Bluff
When: I go to 5 classes for one hour while their teacher is on lunch. The first hour is some great five year olds, my second hour consists of feeding the kids lunch and putting them down for a nap. Then for the next two hours I watch two classes nap, they wake up right as I'm going to my last class. And that last class loves for me to me the Bingo caller - who doesn't love an afternoon game of Bingo?
Dress: Whatever I want which is jeans, tshirt and flipflops.
I love it.

I've never been that into kids but I get to switch groups every hour and I think that might be key. I also like to copy whatever Blondie does, so it was good timing.
The lunch hour kids are the three year olds and they make me feel like a goddess or a giant, how bout a giant goddess. Each one lays on their mats and reaches up at me saying "cover, cover me." So I go around to the tune of a Spanish lullaby and cover each one with their blankies.
I think we all want to be fed and covered with our blankies.

A Gentile God In the Gardens

It once was Marilyn Mason eating a bean-n-cheese taco at Taco Cabana. But now this is my favorite picture. On the subject of my love for him, I think it speaks volumes.

And it was a fantastic day.

A Librarians Luncheon

What happens when you host a luncheon asking guests to bring salads providing you will have a meat/cheese tray, cupcakes and drinks

A macaroni salad (which always make me think of Ms. Wiley)
A pasta salad
A potato salad
Coleslaw
A caesar salad
and two pea salads

Librarians Luncheon = A lot of mayonaise and Diet Coke

List of lists

Give credit where credit is due...I stole this from Earhart.

10 Favorites
Favorite Season: Autumn
Favorite Color: This changes but right now it's purple.
Favorite Time: Friday nights.
Favorite Food: BBQ
Favorite Drink: Champagne
Favorite Ice Cream: Karma Sutra
Favorite Place: My Grandma Anna's house
Favorite Sport: If Christina's going, I'll watch hockey.
Favorite Actor: Michael Douglas
Favorite Actress: Shirley McClaine

9 Currents
Current Feeling: Pre-Hostess
Current Drink: Water
Current Time: 12:36am
Current Show on TV: A&E Pride and Prejudice (yeah, I'm back on it)
Current Mobile used: Cingular
Current Windows Open: Blogger - Create
Current Underwear: These really old pink ones I bought cause Vince liked pink panties. Laundry Day!
Current Clothes: pinstripe slacks and a shirt I stole from debdeb.
Current Thought: Is debdeb reading this and gonna force me to give the shirt back?

8 Firsts
First Nickname: Suz
First Kiss: Jeremy McKay. At the dollar movies. Cool Runnings.
First Crush: Stony Jones
First Best Friend: Amber Beck
First Vehicle I Drove: My Aunt Margeret's hunter green mustang.
First Job: Gift Wrapper at Dinardon's Luggage and Gifts
First Date: Matt Norvell. Marble Slab and as he said, "Cause I have a coupon."
First Pet: My gray cat Katie Jennifer Serota. She's 18 years old now and has been called a "Miracle Cat" by the vet.

7 Lasts
Last Drink: Coke
Last Kiss: two years ago.
Last Meal: Subway and then a cupcake
Last Web Site Visited: Earhart's
Last Movie Watched: Friends with Money
Last Phone Call: Blondie
Last TV show Watched: Ellen

6 Have You Ever...
Have You Ever Broken the Law: Yes.
Have You Ever Been Drunk: Yes.
Have You Ever Kissed Someone You Didn't Know: Freshman year was crazy, okay?
Have You Ever Been in the Middle/Close to Gunfire: No, unfortunately I don't live in General Hospital. I just watch it.
Have You Ever Skinny Dipped: Yes.
Have You Ever Broken Anyone's Heart: No.

5 Things
Things You Can Hear Right Now: Mr. Darcy, my fan.
Things On Your Bed: Gan-gans and my bed linens.
Things You Ate Today: onion bagel, mexican tortilla soup and subway. And a cupcake.
Things You Can't Live Without: My friends, my entire family and my 13" tv/vcr combo.
Things You Do When You Are Bored: Play with my doggie doggie doggie.

4 Places You Have Been Today
My folks house
The neighborhood
CPR Class
Subway

3 Things On Your Desk Right Now
CPR Card
Planner
Toiletries caddy

2 Choices
To hate or to forgive
To be counterproductive or to not prejudge

1 Place You Want To Visit
FW. I miss my cuz.

Once was all it took

Reasons I already love BK:

The room.
Compartmentalizing.
Grooming.
Emotional blackmail? Good for you.
Bad rap, way more than once.
Sexualized.
Stunted.
Power.

This is quite possibly the most exhilarating thing I have ever experienced.

blooming

Plants aren't the only one's who bloom. Humans have periods of blooming as well. It's a cause and effect. Something happens to cause a small death; breakups, death of the dream, growing out of something, big change or the biggest Aha! of your life. Or as Mr. Jennings would say the death of an archetype. The effect is a rebirth or blooming (into your new archetype.) This tree found me and my Blondie on the streets of Chicago. And it did in fact find us. This tree is hope, this tree is adventurer, this tree is a full rebirth. I am this tree.

Last time was a Movses, this time is a lemondrop.

"NO, I don't love Mariah, I love Mariah's comback." - b

On the subject of Graceland:
"There's a billards room, you can play clue in his house." -s

I'm off like a prom dress.

thoughts on paper

There's blogs, diaries, journals, etc. All forms of writing to yourself, but isn't there something to the fact that other people could read these entries?
If you're in a class and keeping a journal, the teacher takes them up and they are therefore read. The first journal I have ever kept was my last year in school and LL read it every three weeks or so and commented in it. When I was writing I was almost writing to her, but I was writing my every thought with no censoring whatsoever. And I stopped when the class was over.
As far as online writings, of course the writer finds some satisfaction that someone is going to read it - it's open to the public.
So this new character, BK, thinks I should do a journal - but I wanna give it to her! I'm not quite sure what to do with it if I don't. But right now I see it as an organizer of my thoughts, that seems ok. An organizer, not of my schedule but of my thoughts.
BK's not permanent, I'm trying her on though.

The mother of all days

Mother's day. I wanted to do everything I could yesterday to make my mom's day awesome because she had to work at the library in the afternoon. So my plan was to make everything she wanted ready and waiting when she got home at six. My dad was my partner in these efforts and here's our story.

Friday: we got the ivys that my mom wanted and went grocery shopping for cornish game hens, etc. plus the yellow cupcakes with chocolate icing that she asked for. Everything was smooth.

Saturday: My mom, dad and myself work on the downstairs area of our house, at some point my dad unplugs something and he doesn't know what it is.

Sunday: Mother's day

10:30am : My dad and I go to HEB (gosh how I've missed it) to get roses and some fresh bread.

11:15am: We return from our errand and I tell my dad to hide the potting soil we purchased in the garage with the ivys and to put the roses in the fridge that is in the garage. We'll bring it all up after my mom leaves for work.

1:30pm: We wash the dog. Mom goes to work.

2:30pm: I attempt to make a print shop banner "happy mother's day mom" which turns out to be about three times smaller than I thought. Puny banner.

3:00pm: I'll make the banner look better with the beautiful roses. I go downstairs to the fridge, open the door and the lights are off. I haven't been here in a while, is the light broken? Stick my head in and smell the pungency of sitting fish. For anyone who doesn't know, that's a dirty effing smell. That thing my dad unplugged on saturday - was that fridge. I quickly take up the roses which have now taken in the smell of sitting fish. I keep smelling them in disbelief, yes, they really do smell like fish - no hint of rose. We stick them in a vase and turn the fan on. Fishy flowers.

3:30pm: I start to make the yellow cupcakes, which is the only thing on the menu my mother actually requested. (as for the game hens, I just thought it'd be an interesting challenge.)

4:15pm: The timer goes off, I go to open the oven and my cupcakes are raw. A few bubbles surfaced but they are in fact liquid. It's an old gas stove, it's been giving me a lot of problems already but now it's just stopped working. We try and relight it, we turn it off and on. Nothing. Raw cupcakes.

5:00pm: We've got one hour till mom comes home. So the oven doesn't work, what about the hens? They were supposed to be oven bagged with celery, carrots and onion up their butts. We don't have time to get to HEB so we go to the Circle K to get some charcoal, cause we're gonna cut em in half and grill em. Desert? Well I've got bananas so I get some ice cream, chocolate syrup and two of those little bags of peanuts - I'm gonna make banana splits. I felt a little top chef at that moment.

It was truly the mother of all days. Puny banner, fishy flowers, raw cupcakes and a broken oven.

secret semester

I like secrets right now. They're easy to keep because my everyday only consists of my folks and I'm lucky to talk to my friends once a week these days. Between friends there seems to be some bad connotations of keeping secrets - but when it's all in good fun then it's just fun. And I like to whisper "secret, secret." Let's talk about what can be fun about secrets:
secret trips
secret blogs
secret recipe
secret things under the bed
secret kisses
secret drunken whispers
summer secrets
I'm thinking of embarking or exploring a summer secret. Possibly very scandilous and possibly very hot. Hot like a secret.

Things that give me the church giggles:

I didn't know Andre Bocelli (sure I butchered his name) was blind until recently. I just thought he was closing his eyes cause he really enjoyed singing.

"How much is your effing orange juice?" - in response to the grove park inn's mimosas.

the entire meatball montage of banquet 2001.

"And suddenly everything's coming up Amy!" - L. Do

Oscar Wilde, a shower and my favorite blondie. (S. Do)

"Of course she likes him he has furniture"

Juliet falling into prayer mode on her knees at the watergardens.

Topics in bowl and discuss. - Bird

Juliet's boiled egg sprinkle at chili's.

B and B's rendition of "Look at her eyes! Look at her tits!"

"I'd take em both one it the boot and one in the kitty." - juliet

I wasn't there but the image of the flagpole arrest gives me the giggle fits.

Kristi in the mornings at the Carlisle.

"uh, camera" - kid

The week blondie had the burps.

The thing about boys is . . .

one could strum on his guitar and sing Mr. Big's "I'm the one who wants to be with you."

one could read you to sleep.

one could eye flirt with you across a room durning the entirity of "the blower's daughter."

one could velcro your curtains so the sun doesn't get in your eyes.

one could take care of you on that night you got too drunk.

one could make you laugh for eternity.

one could take care of you for the rest of your life.

one could put his weight aganist you and kiss you like you've never been kissed before.

But the thing about boys is one could break your heart into a million little pieces.
And if it gets to you too many times then you can turn into a marilyn and hide the norma jean.